This morning, I have read from GCF South Metro Resident Pastor Lito Villoria’s Facebook post that GCF Ortigas will have a first death anniversary memorial for the late GCF Senior Pastor Rev. Dr. Luis L. Pantoja, Jr. I do remember that a week from now, it will be a year since I heard the haughty news from a fellow GCFer: “Pastor Luis passed away this afternoon, 6pm in Kota Kinabalu at a retreat of International Pastors. Pastors present tried to resuscitate him but he already went home to the Lord.” That time, I was Glorietta with my parents for a purpose I have already forgotten but that very news struck me and my family by surprise. For a minute, we cannot move where we are standing, apparently shocked with what happened. For us, our Sunday is never complete without hearing Pastor Luis’ sermon or greeting him as he shakes hands with everyone that passed by the lobby. The last sermon of his that I remember so well is that sermon about the endtimes of how even before The Endtimes will happen, we will meet our own individual end time in mortal death. Probably, that was the most memorable sermon everyone from GCF would ever remember at his passing. While we are so pre-occupied at what may happen in the endtimes, we forget that our very own endtime is imminent.

Pastor Luis is probably one of the most influential figures in the history of Philippine Evangelical Christianity whose impact goes beyond the borders of the country. He’s one of the few globe trotting Filipino pastors I know, ministering to the Filipino diaspora at large. His pastoral thesis on modern worship, the role of Globalization in Christian missions and the importance of ministry among the Filipino diaspora are a few of his contributions to the body of pastoral knowledge. Pastor Luis advocacy is to equip every Filipino pastor in spiritual fervor, ministry and pastoral knowledge that he spearheaded several offshore masteral and doctoral programs not just among GCF pastors but also other Filipino pastors cutting across several denominations. He spearheaded PETRA or the Philippine Evangelical and Theological Research Association, Inc. to facilitate research and study of the Philippine Evangelical Movement. In his will, he made it possible for his remaining loved ones to organize the Luis Pantoja Foundation, Inc. in order to facilitate scholarships for masteral and doctoral programs therefore continuing in his advocacy he left. Not only did he want to equip pastors but he also wanted to take care of the poor people’s welfare in his plan to put up a retirement community behind GCF South Metro and Southern Luzon which unfortunately did not push through (for now) because of his untimely death.

Even as Pastor Luis has left us, we know full well that in the Grace and Mercy of God, he is know in the very presence of God enjoying the fellowship of saints passed in heaven. I remember full well the memorial card I wrote for him…

In memory of God’s faithful servant who served valiantly and courageously. Rev. Dr. Luis L. Pantoja, Jr., Senior Pastor and Servant of God at Greenhills Christian Fellowship, living in the presence of the Lord and will be resurrected at the end of age.

This was the same words of memorial that was posted outside the doors of Greenhills Christian Fellowship. For the fellowship of saints left on earth, we must carry on the spiritual zeal he ignited in his years of ministry here on earth. I think that in his death anniversary, we should not remember it as the day we lost a hero of faith but his passing from this present life to the next. We now face the job of faithfully running the race faithfully. May the life of Pastor Luis served as an inspiration of a grace-filled ministry and faithfulness to the word of God.

In a world where feminism seems to be on the rising, there seems to be a growing misunderstanding on everything about guys. For hundreds of years, guys have been seen to be strong creatures, almost powerful and immortal according to some thought. Big muscled men wearing armors and bearing shields fighting out there with other men have seemed to be the overarching stereotype that have evolved throughout centuries but retained that very idea: men are just fighting creatures. I believe that the abuse of some few men in the past may have contributed to the ideology of feminism that became all the more militant as decades pass. However, it is this abusive behavior by men from centuries ago that alienated the real concept of a man. What is a man? Is it the strong, almost unemotional image or the one that is just true to himself for those he loves?

Men may have been given both biblical and cultural precedence but one fact remains that men are mere creatures created by God just like women. It is totally untrue that men are emotionless people but in fact are more emotional deep inside than women. While anger has been the dominant emotion in most men, nothing can hide the fact that anger is merely a mask of a man’s real feelings. It may seem that a guy is just plain angry but deep inside is the more sensitive person that he is, crying but not seen or heard. Generalizations in the concept of manliness has not only affected women but men themselves. These generalizations often stop men from expressing emotions that is part of our being human. In one instance, a crying guy is often seen to be unmanly or the fear of being labeled “gay” has been a hindrance for some to express brotherly love between male friends. An “I love you bro!” oftentimes draw some weird reactions not only from other men but from women as well. Were these generalizations true or still true at this present times?

In my personal opinion, they have never been true. The Bible itself is rich with examples of counter-cultural approach of manliness. David and Jonathan are best examples of intimate brotherly love. To the prevailing culture, their friendship would seem to be homosexual but in fact it is not. They are merely expressing love that is a design of God when he created humans for that matter and men to be specific. A lot of instances in the Bible, you can also see men crying for many reasons. Male prophets cried upon sight of their people’s destruction while Jesus Himself wept at the news of Lazarus’ death. Examples like these shows us that we must never subject ourselves to the world’s POV about men. It is never unmanly to show emotions, it is never unmanly for a guy to cry because he is sad, frustrated and lonely. In fact, it takes more courage to do such and that makes a guy who never fears to express himself as the manlier one. Far from being the victimizers, men are susceptible too and can fall victims to crimes that we never expect to be done to men like physical abuse, enslavement and rape, yes rape too. In the less grave situation, men can also be heartbroken, hurt when being cheated on and feel shattered on a break-up.

Guys are very human in bodily function and in emotion but most importantly like women, guys deserve to be happy too. A guy that is selfless, caring for others and never afraid to stand on what is godly deserves happiness equally as women of virtue and real beauty. We live in a generation where stereotypes are starting to be broken and so we must break this senseless stereotype we have with men. Real manliness does not come from physical strength or his show ultimate rash behavior but from the heart. Let us start to appreciate all the more guys who are true and contented with who they are. I encourage the girls as well to show appreciation to exemplary guys out there by telling them how great they are and how much you appreciate them. You have your fathers, husbands, boyfriends, brothers and every single guy out there. I am sure they (and I too) would appreciate such. Not only should girls do this but also guys like you and me. We should shed our old garment of manliness and take on what is truly us and what we are truly made of, a strong person with a tender heart.

Dearest True Love,

I guess you are just close to my heart here my dearest. I write to you in the silence of the early morning just half past two in the morning to be exact, sleepless when the thought of you passed my mind. Questions just started running into my mind asking where could you be and who could you be. As I started digesting all this, my heart skips in though wanting to write to you this letter. It has been a daunting two decades of my life and I am going to pass by a another year or so in a few weeks. I have been moving on months since I last got my heart broke thinking that someone was you when indeed she was not. I guess I just have to wait.

I think of you always, hours end. How about you my dearest? Could you be just right there waiting for me? Could you be also reeling from the pain of losing someone whom you thought was me? Could you be in someone’s arms right now? Or simply, could you be also thinking of me right now? I am just curious as to how your life is right now, how you feel and how you are doing. Your age, your face, your daintiness, I want to behold them. I think you are so close yet so far but I just want to meet you, hug you and caress you. My day passes simply wondering when would all this happen. I think I just have to wait.

I see in my thoughts that time I will introduce you to my closest friends and family. I could not wait taking you by your hand and say our vows in front of God’s presence. I could not wait to live life with you and achieve my dreams with you. I could not wait to raise a family with, experiencing every precious moments when we are happy simply not because of treasures or luxuries but just by being with you. I could not wait to spend every year, every month, every week, every day, every hour, every minute, every second and every moment of life with you. You are just simply too wonder to behold. I see I just have to wait.

I know that there are many hurdles between you and me that we just have to remove. I know that there are many broken roads I just have to pass, puddles I need to stumble in to, sorrows I have to bear alone but all these are worth just to meet you. What sense is life that I am moving, breathing, writing and working but I know these are for you. I know that God above is writing the best of our love story and I guess I have to make Him in control of my life. I know you would do so too for my heart feels it. Each heartbeat rhythms to yours, spell of breathe with yours. I know I just have to wait.

My prayers are with you my dearest. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I pray you would do so too. I may not have met you but my soul the Creator made knows you close and well. I love you! I will take care of myself always for I love you so. Take care always and may the Lord be with you always!

With all my love,

MARK, your true love.

With classes still more than a week away, it is all but customary for me to spend my afternoons and early evenings watching Air Crash Investigation episodes on YouTube. Air Crash Investigation are series of episodes in National Geographic Channel detailing reconstruction of events about the worst of airline crashes in history. Much of the episodes I have seen already through the weeks following. I even saw an episode on a Philippine Airlines flight enroute Manila – Cebu – Tokyo but the episode that is closest to my heart is this episode…

This was an episode about a Delta Airlines flight that was about to land at Dallas – Fort Worth Airport. As they were on their final approach, they suddenly encountered a microburst that pushed the plane down, momentarily bringing it up then the final pushdown. Unfortunately, the aircraft crash landed, killing 136 people. While this was an unfortunate incident, this brought with it awareness on the effects of microburst and how to avoid it. In other words, it made flying safer against these microburst. As I was digesting information from this episode, I can’t help but have a sudden flashback half a decade ago.

Its was November and I was catching up for the second semester classes in my Freshman year at the university. My Mom and I boarded an Air Philippines flight that early afternoon in the Old Bacolod Domestic Airport which was still in service at that time. I went through the usual flow on boarding flights being a regular air traveller flying back and forth Bacolod – Manila on vacations. For me, it was a good days since I would be able to see the view of the islands down below. The seat assigned to me was a window seat, much to my delight. The flight went on smoothly until the final approach to NAIA.

I remember seeing clouds all around us. It seems that the fluffy looking clouds were freely passing the plane, brightly white and giving us a feel of what heaven might be like. Indeed, it was an experience near heaven – that meant being sent to heaven beyond life. Passing beyond the fluffy clouds, it went fron black to white. I cannot see anything apart from the thunder that kept on flashing close by the plane. As we were about to land, suddenly there was a strong force that was pushing the plane down. I can hear screams from the old passengers exclaiming “Diyos ko, buligi kami”, meaning “Lord, help us!” I was looking at Mom who had a very calm face. I just prayed silently that God would help us in that ordeal.

The pilot’s struggle to keep the plane up lasted for about twenty minutes. It was the longest twenty minutes of my life as there was an uncertainty whether we would make it or not. The plane was being tossed up and down as the pilots were fighting a “force” that I have only recently known as the “microburst”.  I kept on thinking further on the college life I spent so far, the friends waiting for me in the university and in GCF. It was an unforgettable experience that my mother herself can also attest vividly. What seemed to be an eternity ended when we skies cleared. We were landing on another airport I immediately identified as Clark International Airport since I saw the outline of North Luzon Expressway in clear view.

Our plane landed in Clark at about half past three in the afternoon for refueling as the plane spent much jet fuel in the struggle to keep the plane up. The people on the flight were badly shaken and unable to talk. The lady beside us called on his husband waiting in NAIA and they kept on talking even as the plane was taxing  on the runway. A paranoid old couple behind us shouted on the lady in Ilonggo “Patya na telepono mo day! Maluoy ka man sa amun” (Turn off your phone. Have mercy on us). Indeed, we were filled with fear as we were flying to NAIA. As there was not space in the Domestic part of NAIA Centennial Terminal, where the Air Philippines flight used to dock, we were parked at the farthest apron of the International Wing.

As I was studying the faces of the other passengers, I can almost see their teary-eyed but thankful faces. We boarded an airport bus to the Domestic Wing of the terminal. No one moved that much on the bus until we arrived in the Arrival area. Our baggages took time to arrive since our plane was parked on the other side. As we were waiting for the baggages, scores of passengers were talking fuzzily about the incident on the phone or to the companions with them. Indeed, it shook the souls out of us terribly well. When Mom and I arrived in my Aunt’s house, she wasted no time in detailing the incident to her. Indeed it was an experience I can never forget.

Half a decade from that incident, it is all too fresh especially seeing that Air Crash Investigation. Indeed, the lives of the one-hundred and thirty-six passengers were not lost in vain. Their deaths made flying safer from a lot of people and saved lives of countless people including me. However terrible it was, it saved my life. My salute would always be for the passengers of Delta Air Lines Flight 191.

As I connecting my journal to my previous journal, I happen to stumble upon an old collection of articles I have written before. I do remember the Multiply account I have where I posted several articles about love and relationship. Reminiscing, I cannot help but smile at the lives they blessed, the friendships I have made and the faithfulness of God through all the years. Even as I was in a previous relationship, I noticed that I did write a number of poems for someone I have forgotten.

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Love in Autumn

‎”On sol’s bright domain,

late Spring’s mem’ry there remain.

Steps still freshly lay,

as I sit by distant bay.

As autumn blooms four,

our warm caress I long for.”

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Night in the City

“Journey to the streams,

fulfilling innocent dreams.

Sights and sounds we yearn,

music to the ones who earn.

Joyful be the heart,

eureka of love’s own art.”

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I may have forgotten the person of inspiration but their words continue to wrestle in my heart as I rest on God in writing a more beautiful chapter of my life. Even as I have moved on, may my words still inspire the hearts of many. If there is one thing I can ask more from God, it would be a sensitive heart, a thoughtful mind and a creative hand in writing poems that exude His power in my life. I yearn to write more as my days pass ahead in my journey of love and faith.